I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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