He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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