I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
