just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
being pregnant is like rehab
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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