i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well you can't waste a boner
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
