I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
