Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
