On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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