the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
