New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
false alarm, still single
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
