He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
