this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
