Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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