Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
