im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize