So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize