Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
