On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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