haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
