Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
