So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
