Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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