The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
