he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
