I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
