By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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