We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
