i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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