My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
