is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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