Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
