If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
