I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
