1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
