If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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