Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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