He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
