I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If I die, sorry about rent.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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