he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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