took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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