i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You left your phone here
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