He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
