I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i love accidental penises.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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