I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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