Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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