so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
