i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
