I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
