I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
