i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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