As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
