went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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