I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize