and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Randomize
