Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
