i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
