So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I deserve this hangover.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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