there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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